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My Aha moment – I’m full of Sh*t

The 7th of August 2014 is a day I will never forget.  It wasn’t the interesting course that I attended in the morning for my CE as a Commercial Real Estate Broker.  It wasn’t because it was a hectic day of juggling, kids to school, dog being walked, organizing school lunches…….  It was the day my body fought back from years of abuse, neglect and compulsive overeating.  I didn’t feel well that day, infact I hadn’t felt great all week, not bad just not well.  I had this nagging pain in my side that got progressively worse during the day.  Towards the end of the day after I had collected the boys from school, prepared dinner – all the supermom, being in perfection things.  I told my husband I was going to the emergency room.  He asked if he should come home and drive me there.  Being the strong woman that I am I said no.  I went to the hospital and they diagnozed diverticulitis and they admitted me.  This was my first attack.

Friday night the nurse said they would be releasing me the following day.  I kept feeling progressively worse and at 2 am I texted my husband to tell him to be there in the morning to advocate for me, something was wrong and he needed to bring my will.  Cutting a long story short I had developed an ulcer which perforated and I was full of shit.  I didn’t know how profound that statement was until much later.  What transpired was nothing short of a miracle, I was the last surgery of the day, there was a full surgical team there that was packing up to go home and they saved my life.  They removed 1 1/2 feet of my large intestine, I developed septicemia.  From the doctors accounts I should have been in intensive care on a ventilator but 2 days later I was walking the ward.  I lived with a colostomy bag for 3 months and am one of the fortunate ones where the reversal worked and I don’t need to live with a colostomy bag permanently.  This was my slap in the face my aha moment.

It also set me on a journey of recovery.  I realized I am full of shit, I had been eating my feelings for years and this was the physical manifestation.  I had to do something, I wanted to watch my children grow up, celebrate their milestones and I wanted to be healthy and intact when I did it.  I didn’t want to be the burden on them because I had poor health and complications because of me abusing myself.   Years and years of yoyo dieting, using diet pills, supplements, extreme diets, self shaming, feeling guilty and not loving and caring for myself.  What was I doing to myself? My family? And why did I continually go down the same path expecting different results, was I insane?

Serendipity or fate however you see it, I call it a blessing I’m grateful for.  A month before my insides exploded, I started working with a new client Dr. Felice Cellini her focus is recovery and she was in the market to purchase a facility that focused on obesity and recovery.  She became instrumental in changing my perspective, a friend in recovery and we became business partners.  I had to make drastic changes my life had become unmanageable and if I carried on the track I was on I would die.

My biggest challenge in struggling with my weight and compulsive overeating is dealing with myself, isolating myself and keeping myself in community, honest and accountable.  I’m no different than anyone else I’m just a woman who is fat on the inside.  Dr. Felice and I started Why Weight for Recovery, we developed program for recovery including a free no cost community call every Sunday evening 8-9 pm EST for everyone who is struggling with their weight.  Today my life is so different, I speak at events, run workshops and connect with others who struggle.  This obesity epidemic needs to end.  I’m not a victim I’m a living miracle I don’t want my children and their children to live with the pain that I have my whole life – the pain, shame, guilt and bad relationship with my food.

120 lbs later I’m in healthier place, shopping is easier, moving around is not as painful and so much easier.  I have more energy and I’ve become a yes person.  I’m more open to going out, having my photo taken, being around others, participating, travelling …..  I’m blessed and grateful not only to be in recovery but to live this exceptional life and have been given the chance and opportunity to do extraordinary things.  What’s eating you?

Heid E. & Dr. Felice invite you to join the discussion be in community to start living a healthy happy life

#loseweight #whateatingyou #foodaddictionrecovery #healthychoices


Why don’t I crave lettuce?

I have an aversion to diets.  We know calories in and calories out will determine if we gain or lose weight, when we eat more than we burning we gain weight. That’s the cycle of my life up and down, down and up.  Today I’m in recovery I’m a compulsive overeater, my brain lies to me continually.  One cookie won’t hurt, it’s ok you can start your diet on Monday, what difference does one little bite make?  To me it makes all the difference in the world. One bite leads to hours and days of anguish where I turn into a shark, hunting food, eating beyond full, berating myself afterwards why did I do that?  How could I do that?  I’ve worked so hard to lose those 5, 10, 15, 20 lbs.  I go to bed feeling ashamed and guilty that I didn’t have the willpower, the fortitude to win.  I failed.  Funny I never rush to the fridge to grab a bag of lettuce that I can’t put down unitl I finish the whole bag.

Yes I’ve lost over 100 lbs and it hasn’t been easy but it’s done and I feel great now I face the greatest challenge which is keeping it off. You see I’m still fat on the inside, to stay and be healthy I have to be in community, accountable and connected.  I can’t be among those who judge me, I do enough damage on my own, I can’t be those who tell me that this plan is the best plan for me because I’m a rebel but I thrive in a place where I have choices. What I love about our Why Weight for Recovery community is that we are not alone, it’s grown from a grassroots following where everyone is welcome.  I’m not embarrassed to speak and share about the disgusting things I’ve done to myself and done to others in the aftermath of my binges, my successes, my frustrations, my tools for success, my wins and know that I’m not alone.  I have a community, an extended family where together we can tell our journey, speak about our struggles, our pain, our shame and in so doing deal with why we eat and how to stop those triggers cravings etc. After all the extra weight that we carry is really a physical manifestation of other underlying stuff and eating our feelings.  Until we stop the cycle and we deal with ourselves, we will keep repeating the same behaviors and our kids will mimic and keep repeating our behaviors too. What’s eating you?

Why am I a compulsive overeater?  Today I have a heck of a headache because I ate one of my trigger foods 2 days ago – rice noodles.  Not only do I have a headache today but for the past 2 days I’ve been climbing the walls craving crap to eat.  You see I’m sensitive to food triggers, get intense food cravings, and have a really unhealthy relationship with food that if I allow it to, it overrides my desire to make healthy choices.   For most of us it’s a never ending cycle we lose then gain weight, sometimes we keep it off/ on for long periods of time then gain/ lose it again. For example that need to get into my car drive to the supermarket because I have to have ….. (insert favorite choice of the moment ice-cream, chips, etc). We don’t drive to the supermarket because we have an overwhelming desire for lettuce and then scoff down/ binge 3 bags of lettuce. This is not a question of willpower because we have tremendous willpower.

It’s time to stop the pain, shame and guilt that comes from serial dieting.  Join our free no charge telephone call it’s a gift from our hearts to yours every Sunday from 8-9 pm EST give yourself the gift of living a healthy happy life and click here. Everyone is welcome but it takes 3 things to participate – come with an open mind, willing to listen and be honest…
#whatseatingyou #weightloss #scaleweightwatchers #recovery

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I’m grateful to be in recovery Heid E. Hodes

My tools for keeping the weight off

Yes I lost 120 lbs but there are many things I did and had to do on this journey.  I am a work in progress and the work ahead of me is keeping myself happy and healthy.  I had to first decide that my life the way it was, living in pain – my body aching – my back, knees and joints, being out of breath.  My clothes not fitting and living with guilt and shame cycle had to end.  The first thing I did was admit that I had a problem and here are a few tools and techniques that I find have helped and continue to help me.

  1. Abstinence is the solution to my problem
  2. Being in community it helps me be and stay accountable, it stops me us from being isolated and over thinking.  Listening to other people’s sharing their journeys are inspiring and empowering.  I’m part of a free Sunday night telephone call 8-9 pm EST everyone is invited
  3. Have a food plan, mine is very simple – 3 nutritious meals per day.  I use myfitnesspal the app to log my food and track my steps.  It’s on my phone and easy to do and I invite you to seek me out aa1notary is my user name, long story.  I’ll be posting a more detailed food plan in our facebook group for everyone to use
  4. I abstain from my trigger foods because I don’t have an option
  5. I stay away from eating behaviors that trigger my cravings
  6. I check ingredients in food before I eat them so as to not ingest one of my trigger foods
  7. I deal with my emotions – often it’s not what I’m eating rather what’s eating me that’s the issue and we focus a lot on this during our Sunday call
  8. I’ve learnt to say no
  9. I incorporate movement into my day
  10. Gratitude is part of my daily practice and my attitude
  11. I make time for me
  12. Don’t Quit

My Struggle with my Weight

Someone asked me how has my addiction affected my family?  Interesting question.  I didn’t think or realize that I was an addict.  After all I went to went, looked after my family, I wasn’t falling down, hitting rock bottom living on the street as my perception of addicts went.  I was perfect I just loved food.  I thought about it constantly after all food is everywhere, I was always planning my next meal, food stop … after all how do I stop eating?  For most of my life I didn’t realize my life was unmanageable or that I was abusing myself, killing myself and treating those I love badly.  I always thought that I lost and gained weight because of my willpower or lack thereof.  I thought others judged me on how I looked and then I realized I’m my worst judge, I am my worst enemy.

When I put things into perspective, I am a serial dieter a compulsive overeater.   I am not a normal eater, my brain is wired a little differently because I don’t see food the same way that someone who is a normal eater does.  Normal eaters don’t have cravings, they eat at meal times, they can stop after a few bites and don’t have to finish everything on their plate.  On the outside everything looks normal.  I eat normally around others and I don’t eat a lot.  Infact I reached a stage that my adrenal system was screwed up because I was skipping meals and only eating at night and I kept packing on the weight.  But I didn’t stop eating at night I was on fridge duty, constantly checking that the light was working opening and closing it until the wee hours of the morning.  Getting cravings and food urges, food spoke to me, called me and sometimes I ignored it but often and once I started on those foods, it was stronger than me.  I honestly believe that I have trigger foods, foods that when I put them in my body I become a shark on a feeding frenzy.  I don’t get full, I don’t have that it’s enough switch, I can consume large quantities of food that have nothing to do with being hungry or giving my body nutrition because the foods I crave are usually sweet or salty and have very little nutritional value.  I understand food comas, foggy brain from carbs, headaches from sugar withdrawals and being so angry and mean when hungry that I would snap at those I love.

I am a manipulator and liar.  I lie to myself constantly, just one bite can’t hurt, I’ll start my diet on Monday, I’m celebrating, I’m upset, I deserve it.  I stash food for later, hiding it from my kids and I use my kids to feed my habit.  I take them to Dunkin Donuts and drive thrus when I’m having a bad day or to bribe them to behave or comply or achieve.  So on those days when I start my diet I’m gungho and by the time I break my diet I’m defeated, ashamed and riddled with guilt.  My closet is a reflection of my struggle as I struggle in and out of clothes there are clothes ranging from size 6 to 22W.  I’ve had to admit that I’m powerless overfood and this admission has given me choices and empowered me.  I’ve had to make some hard choices, I’ve chosen abstinence – there are foods that I can’t put even a small amount into my mouth if I’m choosing me and my health.  I’ve surrounded myself with people who respect me respecting me.  For me I have to say No.  I’m over the guilt the justifications – I’m sorry I can’t have that because I’m on a diet.  Fuck apologies, no more apologies this is my mouth and I get to choose what I put in it.

From my heart to yours I’m blessed and grateful to be in recovery Heid E Hodes

Sharing your story may be the key to unlocking another person’s prison

Free community support with Heide & Dr Felice call click here to Join the conversation Sunday 8-9 pm free call no selling no diet no judgment


You are Not ALONE


Our Why Weight for Recovery community understands that it’s our shared thoughts and feelings and not our differences that make us the same.  Below are some of the behaviors of compulsive overeaters:

Obsessing with our body’s weight, size and shape
Eating binges
Preoccupation with reducing diets
Excessive exercise
Inducing puking after eating
Inappropriate and/or excessive use of
Using diuretics and laxatives
Chewing and spitting out food
Use of diet pills, shots or other medical
Intervention, including surgery, to control weight
Inability to stop eating certain foods after taking the first bite
Fantasies about food
Vulnerability to quick-weight-loss schemes
Constant preoccupation with food
Using food as a reward for comfort

You are not alone.  Click here to Join the conversation

Lifelong struggle with my weight and my body image

My lifelong struggle with my weight has also been a struggle with my self worth and body image. It’s been a long process and it started with realizing that in order for me to stop my lifelong diet struggle I had to start being honest with me talking about what was eating me. I’m a compulsive overeater and I don’t see or view food like normal eaters. I have food binges, at times I’ll keep eating until I’m stuffed and not because I was full. For the past 34 years I have lived in pain, wracked with guilt and going to bed ashamed.  I always thought that I failed because I had no willpower.  Two years ago I started a journey that would change my life and empower me to live a happy healthy life.

I started a 3 way approach – mind, body, spirit. Mind I found a recovery coach Dr Felice Cellini. Body – I walk and exercise and changed my attitude towards it. It’s actually become easier, less painful and more enjoyable as the weight has been coming off. I also have an eating plan not a diet I focus on protein goals. I also have to say no to my triggers and yes to my health – it’s become so much easier and I have very few cravings. Spirit I practice gratitude and also get strength from my higher power. Most importantly I surround myself with others like me who are in and value their recovery, it’s a safe environment it’s not religious. We talk once a week, it’s a free no charge to participate call and it’s tonight at 8 -9 pm you’re welcome to call in. The call details are updated weekly on our Facebook community and why weight for recovery page. From my heart to yours no-one need struggle alone I’ve let go of the shame and guilt and it’s liberating and empowering. From my heart to yours

Heide Hodes

DIET – that 4 letter word!

Join in on the conversation tonight at 8pm

DIETthat four letter word!

Demoralizing – Each time we try and fail we feel ashamed, incapable, and inadequate.

Impossible – We try and try and try – and just can’t get it to stick!

Excruciating – The word defined as “Intensively painful” and it is – mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Temptation – “That which we resist, persists”.

There Has to be a Better Way than constantly focusing on what it is that “I CAN’T HAVE”.

And there is…
Join the Why Weight for Recovery COMMUNITY and learn how.

Your friend in RECOVERY, Dr. Felice Cellinitogether

It’s not what I’m eating It’s what’s eating me

When one is too many and 1000 is never enough, you know you have a food addiction. Similar to addictions to drugs or alcohol, the drive for food can be powerful. Overeating can lead to unwanted pounds, health problems, distorted body image, an unhealthy relationship with food, and low self-esteem. There are strategies that can help you break the cycle and gain a sense of peace and control around food. Dr. Felice Cellini will delve into the addiction model and offer insight on how to begin the process of recovery.

Join us for a free conference call and community coaching session

Register for our FREE virtual meetup