Tag Archive: addiction
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Stinking thinking? Unhealthy and in pain. Living with frustration, shame and guilt from failed diet efforts? You are not alone. Easy Solution.
I have often thought, where does my obsession with food come from. I grew up in a normal home, with loving parents, grand parents and close extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. It was a home filled with laughter and love and I was given every opportunity to succeed and thrive yet I made some strange choices.
I have always had this emptiness, this need to feed. I was extremely shy but pretended not to be. I was also the surviving eldest child of my parents, the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents and the baby in the family for my immediate aunts and uncles. I was given so much attention and I loved it.
My grandparents were the survivors from Holocaust Europe having lost so many family members and carrying so much sadness and a zest for joy and survival that is indescribable. They left their homes in Europe with very little and build up new lives from scratch in a country where they had to learn a new language, new skills and new culture. Building homes, communities with a determination to succeed and thrive, especially since they bore such a loss in their hearts. In my grandparents lived the happy memories of better times around food, the table and their connection to their lost lives and families. So much attention was given to planning for meals and events, preparing for them, serving them and enjoying them that it was almost a vocation. To such a degree that my paternal grandmother remembered dates by what she made, and who was at the table.
Every time they looked at me they told me to eat something. Food was the cure all for every ailment – sadness, pensiveness, loneliness, anxiety – food for the soul, they would tell me. We were never that wealthy always got what we needed and money was spent on food, entertaining, education and travel. I am manipulative I realized when I was young that if I asked for something material there was a 50/50 chance of getting it but if I said I was hungry the answer was always why don’t you have some of this or this. I developed a hunger for this type of attention. The type that warmed me from the inside out and filled me up from my toes up. I could feel it, I could stuff myself so much to the point of being uncomfortable – filled with love. People couldn’t believe how much I could eat but they also didn’t see how much I purged to be able to keep stuffing and filling myself. You see even though we had a lot of laughter we never discussed our feelings. Feelings were too painful, they would open up cans of worms of things that my Grandparents didn’t want to feel or think of. It was easier and more delicious focusing on stuffing down our feelings.
I used to tell myself that I love food, until I realized that I should love me. The food choices I made weren’t always the healthiest the fatty, salty, sweet each had a different affect on me, my brain and how I felt. My brain and body were at odds, as I was loving myself with food, my body was getting clogged, bogged down and beaten up. My health started to deteriorate, so did my relationships, my world got smaller and I had to make different choices. My body was collapsing under the weight I was carrying, the yoyo dieting, the extreme measure – the abuse. My life had become unmanageable, that was 18 months and 130 lbs ago. Today I’m blessed to be in recovery and I have come to realize that there are many ways to feed my soul, food is not one of them happiness, good health that enables me to enjoy the world around me and for this I’m grateful.
Today my substance of choice is food, I am a compulsive overeater, an addict. I have had many addictions, swapping one out for another but my primordial addiction is food, I am also many things I’m a Mother, sister, friend, wife and a Jew. I wear many hats all of which, as an addict, I have to wear perfectly. This time of the year is especially meaningful to me. One of the things that I love about my religion are the imbued layers of meaning, traditions and preparation.
Passover cleaning goes beyond the physical and extends into the soul (Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky). In preparation for Passover, as a traditional Jew I spring clean our home, my car and my office for all the remnants of chometz/ hametz, and replace our everyday crockery, silverware, pots, pans etc. with our Kosher for Passover ones. I buy only kosher for Passover meats, fish, products and lots of fresh produce as I’m a cook and hostess. Getting through and feeding a family over 8 days takes planning, preparation and stamina.
To me Passover is significant historically, metaphorically but also from a communal cultural perspective:
- Historically we should never forget our past – Passover reminds us of the times when we as Jews were slaves in Egypt.
- To commemorate this event Jewish people participate in and at a Seder where they recount the journey. This is a communal event that includes young and old and much preparation.
- Seder also means order, it also ensures continuity over time. Doing things the same way at the same time. No matter if you are a Jew in the USA, UK, South Africa or Australia we have a seder in the same way.
- Chometz/Hametz is the leavening that makes dough rise, we don’t eat it.
- For some religious Jews they only eat things that can be peeled and don’t use any spices other than salt, lemon, garlic, peppers. Going back to basics and alleviating all additives, preservatives and artificial elements
As an addict Passover has some other significant spiritual meanings to me:
- When Moses told the Israelites to flee many were terrified. Terrified of change and the unknown, some questioned if remaining as slaves wasn’t better? They rationalized a terrible situation to make it a better option. This is like me when I’m using, or getting the urges to use/ dealing with my cravings and or fighting going into or being in recovery. Admitting that I have a problem and my life is unmanageable
- When the Jews arrived at the banks of the Red Sea with the Egyptian army in hot pursuit, it took an unknown man, not Moses to be the first person to step into the raging waters, which then as his foot touched them the waters parted and there was a clear path on land. This action took courage and kept everyone moving forward. Starting my journey in recovery takes courage and I have to keep moving forward, step by step a slow process to the other side.
- Seder the order, reminds me not only as a Jew but also as an addict how there is a continuation, an ebb and flow when there there is order and structure, there is no confusion. Like in nature the day starts at dawn at sunrise and end in the evening at sunset, the seasons come and go. I like order and I operate better within a structured environment, knowing what my triggers are and abstaining from them them, weighing and measuring my food, being accountable helps me in my recovery.
- Chometz/ Hametz symbolizes my ego. The leavening the puffing up of me. My need to control everything and everyone in my world sends me into relapse. When my world becomes all about me and I lose sight of the my spiritual connection, when I isolate and get into my head everything becomes about me. When my ego and my will take over my Chometz/ Hametz my world spirals out of control and my twisted mind takes over and disaster ensues.
- Cleaning up and clearing out. Abstaining from elements that have become staples – bread, pepper, ketchup, corn syrup, corn, legumes etc. Makes me appreciate them when I can eat them after 8 days. The spiritual lessons that I get from this as an addict is:
- To have a Kosher Passover abstinence is key
- To go without certain things that I tell myself that I need won’t kill me, in fact I feel so much better without them.
- Being a slave to my needs makes me enjoy my freedom even more.
- Returning to basics – my house, my car and my body are clean. By practicing meditation and journaling my mind starts getting clean.
Going through these 8 days of thinking about slavery, being enslaved and living in my desert when I’m in addictive addiction. Today I’m extremely grateful for how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to share this time with my family as a clean person, to have a roof over my head, to have healthy clean food in our refrigerator, jobs to pay for it and my health. I was granted another day to do the next right thing and it feels awesome.
I am truly blessed that I was given freedom from slavery had the courage to venture into the unknown, through a sea of turmoil. Work my way through the desert and arrive at the promised land ~ living a healthy and happy life ~HeidE
I was inspired by an article I read, read it here or below
It’s said that “we are only as sick as our secrets” – so here’s mine!!!
Today I am having a difficult time with the whole “recovery thing”. It’s not that I’m going to use (even if my brain thinks I want to – tricky thing the brain is), and it’s not that I’m going to stay in this feeling all day, but for the moment – recovery seems hard. I don’t always want to do “the next right thing”, and “see the best in everyone”, and “find the blessing in the situation”. Sometimes I get angry or upset or sad and I need to remember that that’s ok too – as long as I don’t sit in it for too long. Recovery HAS taught me that if I share how I feel, look at what I’m grateful for, and help another addict, it will keep me from using…and that if recovery was easy – EVERYONE would be doing it. So it’s not easy, but it’s certainly well worth it! But like I said…today I’m having a difficult with the whole “recovery thing”.
Stay strong, ~felice~
At a fork in the road? Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am a compulsive overeater food addict. In the past I would rather eat my feelings and I was miserable, obese – 120 lbs heavier, sick, tired and overall really unhealthy. Today I’m healthy, happy, blessed and grateful to be in recovery. I’m now able to eat to live not like before where I was living to eat. I am able to do so many more things and enjoy the moment instead of obsessing about the food. What’s eating you?
#recovery #addiction #gratitude
I just love food I said 120 lbs overweight, sick & tired of being sick and tired.
When I was first introduced to the concept of recovery, as the only effective way to treat compulsive overeating I balked at the idea. The person who proposed the idea is an alcoholic in recovery. My discussion with her started with – food is everywhere, I love to eat. For you it’s easier because you don’t walk into that area of the supermarket or into the liquor store. When I checkout of the supermarket there’s food on both sides of the aisle. “That’s not the issue she said. “I need food to live”, I responded getting quite indignant. “That’s not the issue”, she responded. It’s taken me 2 1/2 years to face the issue. It’s not that I love food any less or that I don’t need food to eat. The issue is that I don’t have a healthy relationship with food. I crave food, I overeat, I obsess about food and I will sometimes choose eating over living a happy healthy life.
Sounds morose but it’s true. I have spent hours planning my next meal while eating a meal. I have eaten more food after a meal even though I wasn’t hungry. I have missed events because I couldn’t fit into my clothes, suffered with sore joints, ill health and depression, because I love food. I have justified why I should answer the call when cravings call and pick up and eat those foods. My brain comes up with reasons are so darn compelling that they make sense and I justify my using. The problem is that I’m an addict, my drug of choice is food. I will lie to myself and others just to eat what I want to eat when I’m compelled to eat. I didn’t have lunch or breakfast that’s why I can eat more for dinner, after dinner and before bed. I’m like the alcoholic that believes that if I go on diets, or abstain from certain foods for a period of time I can eat them again. But I can’t because I don’t look at food the same way as a “normal” person. I don’t get full – 1 is too little and a bag is too much. I have a continual internal struggle, suffering with this conflict. 120 lbs overweight is not a question on beauty it’s a question of health. I know and knew that things I do and were putting in my mouth were unhealthy, not good for me, not necessary, not rational but it’s bizarre because I’m sane in every other respect.
The issue is that I am responsible for what I put into my mouth. I love the concept and the taste for a few seconds but do I love my health more? What is the cost of putting that first trigger food into my mouth – those foods that talk to me, that take control of my world, the ones that I’m powerless over that once I have the first bite the ones for which I have no fight against – willpower out the window and compulsion takes over. Those wheaty, salty, or chocolately little devils.
The issue is that I have to take drastic action, throw certain life long conceptions out of the window. I cannot eat like a normal person, I cannot eat certain foods, they are like poison to me, like those sirens of old who sat on the rocks calling ships resulting in wrecks and destruction.
Abstinence is the key for me and being in recovery a lifeline for being healthy and for this wisdom I’m grateful.
Being in community, being accountable and being honest are key to my success. I invite all of you who suffer like me, to join us on our free no cost, no selling, no supplements, no diets pure recovery telephone call on Sunday. Register here
As a Mom one of my biggest fears is that my children are not happy and healthy. As a fat person on the inside I have always struggled with my weight. I’m a compulsive overeater and I have a love hate relationship with food. I love the process of cooking food, the colors, textures and plethora of creative opportunities but I hate obsessing over food, the all encompassing cravings, the physical ups and downs of my addiction 20 down 40 up 80 down 1 … the shame, guilt and hope for happiness when I’m the perfect weight. My pattern is to eat my emotions and stuff my feelings.
As I watch my son struggle with his weight I carry another guilt. Am I his dealer? Have I created through over use, the compulsion and culture for him to use . Through my behaviors and toxic relationship with food have I triggered his addiction gene. Through my insistence and by taking him with me, almost forcing him to continually parttake in my drug of choice – food, so I could get my fix?
Those tough stressful days when giving him treats to quiet, calm or distract him was just easier than fighting, arguing or getting embarrassed by him causing a scene. After the shot I’ll get you an ice-cream. Here’s an M & M if you can name the color.
Is addiction the product of nature or nurture? To have integrity and be honest I have to admit that I am complicit and responsible to contributing to childhood obesity. As an adult and as his guardian I make the choices of what foods come into the house, what we’re buying in the store and more often than not what we’re eating for dinner. I need to make amends. My only remedy that I can see is if I am my child’s role model, his barometer of how to deal with the world – equipping him by my teaching of to deal with fear, stress, anxiety, boredom etc. Then maybe the solution for him is to learn from my behavior for me is to be his role model and be in and promote recovery.
Connect with us and Dr. Felice every Sunday 8-9 pm it’s a free call from anywhere, together we can change the paradigm. It’s only a conversation – through sharing our experiences can we alleviate the pain and shame associated with compulsive overeating. Get free call details here