Tag Archive: strugglewithweight
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Stinking thinking? Unhealthy and in pain. Living with frustration, shame and guilt from failed diet efforts? You are not alone. Easy Solution.
I have often thought, where does my obsession with food come from. I grew up in a normal home, with loving parents, grand parents and close extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. It was a home filled with laughter and love and I was given every opportunity to succeed and thrive yet I made some strange choices.
I have always had this emptiness, this need to feed. I was extremely shy but pretended not to be. I was also the surviving eldest child of my parents, the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents and the baby in the family for my immediate aunts and uncles. I was given so much attention and I loved it.
My grandparents were the survivors from Holocaust Europe having lost so many family members and carrying so much sadness and a zest for joy and survival that is indescribable. They left their homes in Europe with very little and build up new lives from scratch in a country where they had to learn a new language, new skills and new culture. Building homes, communities with a determination to succeed and thrive, especially since they bore such a loss in their hearts. In my grandparents lived the happy memories of better times around food, the table and their connection to their lost lives and families. So much attention was given to planning for meals and events, preparing for them, serving them and enjoying them that it was almost a vocation. To such a degree that my paternal grandmother remembered dates by what she made, and who was at the table.
Every time they looked at me they told me to eat something. Food was the cure all for every ailment – sadness, pensiveness, loneliness, anxiety – food for the soul, they would tell me. We were never that wealthy always got what we needed and money was spent on food, entertaining, education and travel. I am manipulative I realized when I was young that if I asked for something material there was a 50/50 chance of getting it but if I said I was hungry the answer was always why don’t you have some of this or this. I developed a hunger for this type of attention. The type that warmed me from the inside out and filled me up from my toes up. I could feel it, I could stuff myself so much to the point of being uncomfortable – filled with love. People couldn’t believe how much I could eat but they also didn’t see how much I purged to be able to keep stuffing and filling myself. You see even though we had a lot of laughter we never discussed our feelings. Feelings were too painful, they would open up cans of worms of things that my Grandparents didn’t want to feel or think of. It was easier and more delicious focusing on stuffing down our feelings.
I used to tell myself that I love food, until I realized that I should love me. The food choices I made weren’t always the healthiest the fatty, salty, sweet each had a different affect on me, my brain and how I felt. My brain and body were at odds, as I was loving myself with food, my body was getting clogged, bogged down and beaten up. My health started to deteriorate, so did my relationships, my world got smaller and I had to make different choices. My body was collapsing under the weight I was carrying, the yoyo dieting, the extreme measure – the abuse. My life had become unmanageable, that was 18 months and 130 lbs ago. Today I’m blessed to be in recovery and I have come to realize that there are many ways to feed my soul, food is not one of them happiness, good health that enables me to enjoy the world around me and for this I’m grateful.
Someone asked me how has my addiction affected my family? Interesting question. I didn’t think or realize that I was an addict. After all I went to went, looked after my family, I wasn’t falling down, hitting rock bottom living on the street as my perception of addicts went. I was perfect I just loved food. I thought about it constantly after all food is everywhere, I was always planning my next meal, food stop … after all how do I stop eating? For most of my life I didn’t realize my life was unmanageable or that I was abusing myself, killing myself and treating those I love badly. I always thought that I lost and gained weight because of my willpower or lack thereof. I thought others judged me on how I looked and then I realized I’m my worst judge, I am my worst enemy.
When I put things into perspective, I am a serial dieter a compulsive overeater. I am not a normal eater, my brain is wired a little differently because I don’t see food the same way that someone who is a normal eater does. Normal eaters don’t have cravings, they eat at meal times, they can stop after a few bites and don’t have to finish everything on their plate. On the outside everything looks normal. I eat normally around others and I don’t eat a lot. Infact I reached a stage that my adrenal system was screwed up because I was skipping meals and only eating at night and I kept packing on the weight. But I didn’t stop eating at night I was on fridge duty, constantly checking that the light was working opening and closing it until the wee hours of the morning. Getting cravings and food urges, food spoke to me, called me and sometimes I ignored it but often and once I started on those foods, it was stronger than me. I honestly believe that I have trigger foods, foods that when I put them in my body I become a shark on a feeding frenzy. I don’t get full, I don’t have that it’s enough switch, I can consume large quantities of food that have nothing to do with being hungry or giving my body nutrition because the foods I crave are usually sweet or salty and have very little nutritional value. I understand food comas, foggy brain from carbs, headaches from sugar withdrawals and being so angry and mean when hungry that I would snap at those I love.
I am a manipulator and liar. I lie to myself constantly, just one bite can’t hurt, I’ll start my diet on Monday, I’m celebrating, I’m upset, I deserve it. I stash food for later, hiding it from my kids and I use my kids to feed my habit. I take them to Dunkin Donuts and drive thrus when I’m having a bad day or to bribe them to behave or comply or achieve. So on those days when I start my diet I’m gungho and by the time I break my diet I’m defeated, ashamed and riddled with guilt. My closet is a reflection of my struggle as I struggle in and out of clothes there are clothes ranging from size 6 to 22W. I’ve had to admit that I’m powerless overfood and this admission has given me choices and empowered me. I’ve had to make some hard choices, I’ve chosen abstinence – there are foods that I can’t put even a small amount into my mouth if I’m choosing me and my health. I’ve surrounded myself with people who respect me respecting me. For me I have to say No. I’m over the guilt the justifications – I’m sorry I can’t have that because I’m on a diet. Fuck apologies, no more apologies this is my mouth and I get to choose what I put in it.
From my heart to yours I’m blessed and grateful to be in recovery Heid E Hodes
Sharing your story may be the key to unlocking another person’s prison https://www.facebook.com/groups/whyweightforrecovery/
Free community support with Heide & Dr Felice call click here to Join the conversation Sunday 8-9 pm free call no selling no diet no judgment
My lifelong struggle with my weight has also been a struggle with my self worth and body image. It’s been a long process and it started with realizing that in order for me to stop my lifelong diet struggle I had to start being honest with me talking about what was eating me. I’m a compulsive overeater and I don’t see or view food like normal eaters. I have food binges, at times I’ll keep eating until I’m stuffed and not because I was full. For the past 34 years I have lived in pain, wracked with guilt and going to bed ashamed. I always thought that I failed because I had no willpower. Two years ago I started a journey that would change my life and empower me to live a happy healthy life.
I started a 3 way approach – mind, body, spirit. Mind I found a recovery coach Dr Felice Cellini. Body – I walk and exercise and changed my attitude towards it. It’s actually become easier, less painful and more enjoyable as the weight has been coming off. I also have an eating plan not a diet I focus on protein goals. I also have to say no to my triggers and yes to my health – it’s become so much easier and I have very few cravings. Spirit I practice gratitude and also get strength from my higher power. Most importantly I surround myself with others like me who are in and value their recovery, it’s a safe environment it’s not religious. We talk once a week, it’s a free no charge to participate call and it’s tonight at 8 -9 pm you’re welcome to call in. The call details are updated weekly on our Facebook community and why weight for recovery page. From my heart to yours no-one need struggle alone I’ve let go of the shame and guilt and it’s liberating and empowering. From my heart to yours
Join in on the conversation tonight at 8pm https://www.eventbrite.com/e/its-not-what-im-eating-its-whats-eating-me-tickets-30972461466
DIET – that four letter word!
Demoralizing – Each time we try and fail we feel ashamed, incapable, and inadequate.
Impossible – We try and try and try – and just can’t get it to stick!
Excruciating – The word defined as “Intensively painful” and it is – mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Temptation – “That which we resist, persists”.
There Has to be a Better Way than constantly focusing on what it is that “I CAN’T HAVE”.
And there is…
Join the Why Weight for Recovery COMMUNITY and learn how.
Your friend in RECOVERY, Dr. Felice Cellini